next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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