I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
