I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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