I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
