On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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