mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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