the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
