i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
