Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
