someone threw a dead crab at me
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
