Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
