I got chris browned last night
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize