Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
