I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
