im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
