I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
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