There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
