I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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