Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
