And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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