I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
