I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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