the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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