Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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