so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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