its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
