Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
