as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize