Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
