I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
it was like eating out sand paper
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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