Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
