dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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