I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
