There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
God I need to hump something, right now.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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