True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
