guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
