everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
