2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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