no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
