oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
