You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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