News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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