I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
