2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
