Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
