If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
