Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
