new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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