i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
