Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Randomize
