If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
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