In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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