i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize