he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
