i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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