Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
