I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i dont even know how to be here
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
