i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize