theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize