I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
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