90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize