I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
