Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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