The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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