Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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