I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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