Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You're like the curious george of whores
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
