I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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