i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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