Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
