Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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