Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
