Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
