i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
