I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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